Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Owning the Scarlett Letter

I just read the posting my good friend, Amanda. (go ahead, go on over and read it) It struck a chord in me and caused an AHA! moment as well.

(following her lead)
Hello, I am Lourdes. The hubster and I are fertile challenged. Others may also think vertically challenge but I digress. I have a nice garden variety of issues: PCOs, fibroids, endometriosis, and polyps. Hubster had no sperm count. 11 years later, a few surgeries later - I still have everything listed minus some huge fibroids and hubster now has hit or miss counts.

We opted to proceed with medical assistance because we firmly believe that science will only take you so far and after that it is still all in God's hands. We have been very blessed with a good insurance company that has 95% of all our medical bills. 11 years later, a few surgeries later, 5 invetro-fertilization tries later, many tears later - we are still fertile challenged.

So, what's my point you ask? Well, that you can survive it. That I can survive it. That hubster and I can survive it. There are days, weeks, even months of extreme peace and bliss and other days, weeks, months of agony. That just comes with the territory.

What I believe now:
-> I am not being punished.
-> It is O.K. to be angry, even at God. He knows me better than anyone else and has enough faith in me to allow me to grow in my anger see the way back.
-> I don't control the universe. Hello! Couldn't have someone told me that sooner?
-> Definitions are man-made things. I have needed to learn how to define the words: family, care taker. Redefine my life.
-> There is a reason. Really, honest engine - I SOOOO believe this. Only a few have been revealed to me but being able to share my testimony with others struggling, being an understanding voice, learning to be empathetic to all regardless of the situation, being kinder to myself and my hubster, are amongst a few of the reasons. Really can't wait for more!
-> Having faith and understanding that knowing that there is a reason doesn't take the pain away, it just softens the blow.
-> It is O.K. Really, just be. Or not be. Cry. Or not cry. It is O.K.
-> Faith isn't measured by how much I pray, nor what I wish for. Faith is demonstrated on how I treat the world, not how it treats me.
-> People will always say the stupidest things that will make you want to get a set pliers out to inflict long, slow torture on them.

That is all I have learned.

Would I be the woman I am today without it? No.
Would I have rather have had another path? Yes but many things can be equally as hard or worse.
Do I still want a child? Yes but am honestly willing to trust that the right thing will happen. Not MY right thing, but the right thing. But a girl can wish that those two paths will collide. :)

It will be O.K

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