Swish Swish

I might be dating myself here but do you remember this song? I tried to embedded it here but Blogger is not liking it today!

The very first line is "Woop Woop that da sound of da police".
When I was walking thru my house today my thighs were signing "Swoosh Swoosh that da sound of your legs". Really. I could hear it clear as a bell. :)

Today, I became brave and tried something I haven't in years. Actually, today is the second time in over 10 years that I have worn tights/stockings.

My thighs, even at my healthiest weight in the 130s, have a very close relationship. They don't like to be apart and would rather graze, rub and now....never separate unless forced to by some clothing material. (extract your minds from the gutter) This would explain why I have been wearing pants exclusively since I gained all the weight over 15+ years ago.

This is an email that I recently sent Sheryl. I really hope that she has some useful advise for this plus size girl!

Hi Sheryl,

I always always loved wearing skirts and dresses. When I was
at a healthy and fit weight I was wore stockings and leggings all the time as
well. As I started to gain wait I realized one day, while walking down the
hallway at work, that that whooshing sound was my legs rubbing together!! I went
straight to wearing pants and never looked back until about two years ago.

You have blogged about the great changes your legs have gone through but
when you were still working towards goal, did you have this whooshing effect? Any
advise on how to handle it? I now wonder if it was the brand or type of
stocking. Anyhow, any advise is greatly appreciated since I want to get back to
wearing the skirts and dresses with confidence.

Thanks!

Here are some shots of my legs today. I love when I walk on tile since the clacking of my heels drowns out the swooshing sound! :)

Progress Prompt #10

I skipped # 9 since it refers to holidays. I will go back and use that one when we are approaching the holidays later this year.

[10.] Among many online weight loss journalers, rewarding themselves for meeting goals is a big part of their weight loss journey. Does planning a reward really work for you? Is it for your short-term or long-term goal? What are the rewards you usually give yourself? Is it a good idea to reward yourself with food? Why or why not? What's your ultimate reward for when you meet your goal weight?

This is a tricky question for me. I have been such a yo-yo weight loser for such a long time that I still haven't quite figured out what works for me. I will try to answer these as I feel today but I may have to come back to this idea after I have learned a bit more about myself.

Does planning a reward really work for you?
Historically it hasn't but over the last few years my views on finances, instant gratification and patience has really changed. I hope to incorporate some rewards but haven't come up with anything yet.

Lately, I have been looking forward to the reward of how my body and muscles will feel, of how I will feel proud of myself, of what I have to look forward to be able to do (like skiing. Something that I have been fearful of doing). I don't focus on what I will be able to purchase at a store as much. Although, lets be honest, being able to shop at any store and possibly buy items that have a lower number is highly motivating. :)

Is it for your short-term or long-term goal?
Weight goals:
My immediate goal is to break into the "22_".
My short-term goal is to get into "19_".
My long term goal is to be in the low 140s.

Other goals: become a runner. become a better dancer. learn how to ride a bike.

What are the rewards you usually give yourself?
N/A

Is it a good idea to reward yourself with food? Why or why not?
WW doesn't think that it is a good idea. I agree and disagree. Going along with another WW philosophy, nothing is off limits I would like to think that I could congratulate myself with something that I love to eat. Checkout what Sheryl's post on what she did when she hit her WW goal. I now know that food isn't what got me to this point, it was my mind. My lack of self-love and care that translated into no portion control, poor choices and using it as inappropriately. I hope and pray that when I reach goal I will be so much further along on this path that a treat won't throw me overboard.


What's your ultimate reward for when you meet your goal weight?
I have three major ones: plastic surgery to remove the organic apron that is now my lower abdomen, compete in a large ballroom competition fancy gowns and all, go to Italy. Now, I can just hit the lottery at the same time I hit goal so that I can fund these dreams? :)

Happy Friday

I am feeling so wonderful today! Go and embrace life this weekend! Thank you so much for reading my blog. I appreciate you today! xoxo

Here are a few self-potrait pictures from this week.

Found this gem in the Whole Living magazine at my endocronologist office this week:

Week 11: Weight Watchers Weigh-In

February 16 to 22, 2011
Current Weight: 232.5 lbs
Week to Week loss: -.5
Total gain/loss: -9.0 lbs


Helen, my WW leader, is always screaming at us to share non-scale victories. And yes, I really do mean screaming. She is a little thing but she has a great voice!

Lets breakdown my Monday.

Monday was a really hard day at work.

Hard.

Let me give you a taste - ever have a project that you have been working on, updating, compiling and just about ready to share? Imagine that 4 business days worth of data, just sitting out there, on that nice server, just waiting for you to send it along on Monday morning. Now imagine coming into work and finding out that the server had a bit of Alzheimer's over the weekend and only has the version from....lets be generous....three weeks ago. And then the IT gurus shrug their shoulders and say "Nothing we can do, but this here server is the best in the world". {insert curse words here}

Getting to Zumba:
Somehow I got roped into taking my neighbor to the Zumba classes each night. Don't get me wrong, most evenings I don't mind but my driving time is the only "me" time that I have. I can listen to my music, make calls, cry, pray and just enjoy being with me. :) Having a passenger cramps this process significantly. I feel so guilty for feeling this way and don't have the heart to make a change yet but I will need to figure something out.

At the Gym:
We got there a full half hour earlier than usual. Since my neighbor had to fix her account I was looking forward to jumping on a stair climber or treadmill. A girl can have dreams! I ended up having the translate to resolve the issue. Then when we get the treadmills I had to set it up for everyone. Going 1.5 mph was too fast for them. It would have been really funny if I wasn't so tensed by this point. I regrouped and thought that what the heck - I am going to get in a great cardio class and don't need to get bent out of shape with this. A girl can have dreams!

Tony had taught the 6pm class but had left the sub for the next class. She got her certification last week. She is a very nice person and did a decent job. It was her first time flying solo so there were many oops and restarts but it was a decent job. That being said, I was pissed as hell. I had a crappy day, a crappy drive over, a crappy time on the treadmill and now I couldn't even get my cardio at the level I needed.

Anger is definitely not my go to emotion. I was so angry that night.
I was angry worked sucked.
I was angry that I didn't get the workout I needed.
I was angry that I "needed" such a high intensity workout.
I was angry that I needed to lose 100 lbs.
I was angry that I allowed myself to get to this physical place.
I was angry that I participated in it. I am not a victim.
I was angry that I have to try so hard.
I was angry that I wanted to eat because I was angry!

Let me just say that I didn't expect this reaction from a little computer glitch at work and a Zumba instructor change. If you ask me, I overreacted but I couldn't control the anger once it started to flow. {That explains why anger isn't my go to emotion. I am too neurotic. I want to be able feel like I have a semblance of control}

I cried on my hubby shoulder, took a shower, journaled for a few minutes, talked on the phone, laid on the bed and watch the fan spin but I did not go and eat. That is my non-scale victory. I didn't go medicate my feelings with food {although eating was all I could think of} and I didn't allow myself to stay in pity party mode. I went to my WW meeting at lunch yesterday and Zumba in the evening. I told Tony that I need his workouts and he gave me a heck of a workout last night. I am victorious!

Progress Prompt #8

How many sizes of clothes do you have in your closet and drawers? How do your "thin clothes" make you feel? Why do you keep your "fat clothes?" What would happen if you gave away every single piece of clothing that didn't fit you? Are you willing to do it?

About a year ago I cleared my heart and mind....and closet of all the old clothes baggage. I gave away a lot of my brand new lingerie, bras and panties that I have held onto for 10+ years. The majority of the panties were sizes five and six. Want to take a stab at what I wear now? Let’s just say that it isn't that number. It took me a long time to realize that having these didn't help me but were a sad and hard reminder that I continued to disappoint myself. As I try to honor the woman I have become I also realize that I am worth purchasing new stuff for the new me. I don't have to fit into the clothes, thoughts or body of that young girl any longer. I am a grown woman now and should honor this new phase in my life.

I thought that I was being frugal in saving things that I could use some day. I think that I was keeping a keepsake of my failure. A physical item that I can take out of a drawer or closet, hold up and show as a hard proof of not what I once was....but of what I failed to achieve. It was so hard to forgive myself for failing. It is still hard to do. But keeping onto the clothes was more of a self punishment than a treat.

I have selected a few pieces of clothing that have emotional value and have kept those. My prom dress with the broken zipper, the dress I wore to most parties as a teenager, a skirt, two slacks and the dress I changed into after the wedding reception. I keep them because I recognize them for what they are. Hope that makes sense.
I am currently using size 20 in pants. I have allowed myself one container with clothing under my bed. In there I am storing blouses and pants that are sizes 16 to 18. I am borderline ready to get into size 18s but I hate feeling like a sausage about to explode in tight pants so I might wait a few more weeks.

Here I am in my closet. I have to close the door in order to get a good picture. :)


I am striving to honor myself. To honor all the work my hubby put into the new closet. The way I am doing that is by not placing clothing that I don't like and doesn't fit in the closet. I deserve better.

Edited: Posted on the wrong day. Update the date. Hang in there while I get the hang of blogger. Thanks!

Biggest Loser

I have been watching the Biggest Loser since season 2. I really like the show, get annoyed with the game play but realize that is just part of the show. My all time favorite players have been Ali, Tara, all the Tonga boys and the crying brothers. :)

When this season started I was shocked as to how many people chose the other trainers. From a game play and weight loss perspective it makes sense to get stay on campus for as long as possible regardless of the trainer....but I would still have choosen Bob and Jillian. Call me crazy but I just knew in my marrow that it would have been the best choice for me.

Fast forward a few weeks and the others are back. Again, I know that it is a game and a TV show but the word "others" just iggs me. We are ALL trying to get our lives back on track, get healthy and get to living. Anyhow.....we now get to meet the new trainers.

Boy, boy, oh boy am I happy with my original decision. (You see how easily I get to jump into an alternate universe were I am really on the biggest loser? :) ). I like Brett but am not too crazy about Cara. I am certainly not crazy about using boxing as my primary cardio exercise to lose weight. How is that my little nephew put it when asked if he wanted karate classes, "Mama, I'm a lover not a fighter". LOL Well, I am a wimp not a boxer. It is great for others. It is great cardio. It is not for me. If only I could dance my way to my goal! I would so have regretted joining Cara and Brett's team.

The other thing is that the way the show is edited in such a way that it looks like other teams just stand there and watch while two people are boxing. That seems like an oxymoron to me.

Beyond that - the fact that they didn't learn about nutrition from the get-go was another turn off. It seems awesome but unless you are going to send a live in chef to be with me for the rest of my days I need to learn about portion control, healthy cooking and calories.

My favorite ones that I cheer for every week so far are:
Moses and Kaylee - told you I had a thing for those Tongans!
Hannah and Olivia - sisters rule!
Courtney and Marci - that girl just has such a fire in her! She motivates me!
Irene - I can see the inner hottie in her. Watch out for her at the finale!
Rulon - because he reminds me of my hubby. Lost their way and fighting hard to find his way back.

I cheer for Arthur as well but I have a love-hate relationship with him. I want him to do well so badly but he continues to make poor choices. Sometimes, it is like looking at myself and that can be pretty uncomfortable. He has a very long way to go and it is hard to stay focused and dedicated. I feel the same way when I look at my own 100 lb jourey. I am only 9.5 into the 100. It feels like an ocean to cross with only a small paddle boat to travel on some days.

I literally got out of my chair and cheered for him when he got that huge loss this week. I hope that the mental shift sticks and he continues onward and downward!

Week recap + a video

I haven't really done much in the past week. My hormones have been kicking my ass, literally. Pre-menstrual hormone surge caused me extreme intestinal pain for much of the week. This is a throw back to over 15 years ago. I was so happy when that stopped but here we go again! On top of that my mood has been on a rollercoaster ride too. I am sure that my hubby would have love to send me to the moon. Shoot, I would have loved to go! :)

What I did do, besides eating cookies, chips, soda, candy, gum, etc when I wasn't doubled over in pain, was go to Zumba. That has to be the only reason I held my weight this week. Here is a video they recorded last week. You'll get to see me in my Zumba glory around 1:02 minutes into the video. There are designated colors for each day but I didn't get the memo and was in blue. ;)

I am starting fresh.....starting right now.
Okay, maybe a few minutes from now.
Darn it! Don't be so demanding!
I will start fresh. Immediately.
Unless.
Oh, well - I'll try my best this week.
Cross my heart.